she mentioned about how much she misses nanyang. coming from someone whom ive shared so much of my life with, it seems to potentially encompass all the emotions i could gather and yet, at that moment all i felt was a feeling close to nothing. my reply was- "yeah." i know exactly the reason why. the feelings and images the word nanyang jerks out of me- council, 05A3.. how those left their marks on me. she must have known exactly how i felt.

the most beautiful and comforting are always overlooked when i try to recall, always. the fear, insecurity and something almost like numbed indifference covers up the good times hardcore brought to my life. looms over what must have been the happiest times of my life, in those two years which seems so short or long if i decide to micro my image memory to focus on specific times i had. beautiful times, sad times, fun times.. recalling random incidents.. nini's place.. sitting on the bench at 5pm with shuting, looking over the parade square.. josh's bdae under the hut.. tennis. thinking and missing people.. sw.. rj.. people whom i hurt and hurt me. perpetual guilt and hurt which i could never erase from my life simply because our relationship stopped progressing at the moment our decisions were made.. we took different paths which could be parallel. the could-bes and the must-bes i had at the back of my mind- ones which i allow taking control of my directions.

then i thought about marc. a person who might never know what he means to me.. for being the guy whom i genuinely cared about.. whom i spent happy times with. is happy the word? or precious? or.. he was the only guy with whom i forged a real friendship with.. someone who never gets why he is more important than the others.. someone who shares my insecurities. justin.. greatly missed but i could never bring myself to tell him i miss him.. if relationships are reflectional, somehow he might feel the same way too..

people whom im afraid of losing.. the fear that they might already be lost.. i imagine myself sunken into the mass of peoples in their memories, diminishined like a key drowning in the sea. their hearts permanently locked up, while im lost.

why am i conjuring up so much emotions at such an hour of day.. goes to show that im becoming more of what you call "emo". of course im not, in the real sense of the word, and i wouldnt be pleased being labelled. then again, i shouldnt care about putting myself against such a social construction which is probably not going to matter at all, really.

je devrais domir.